Kissing, cuddling and touching are an important part of lovemaking and couples that run their lives in this way use every opportunity to share such affection.
The slightest touch or pat can be worth a thousand words and a hug at just the right time makes words redundant. Sometimes these little intimacies simply say, “I love you”, yet on other occasions it is clear they are preludes to some sort of sexual activity. The couple in tune with each other know without saying, which is which, and use such teasing, even perhaps to some level of arousal, as a sort of work-up to intercourse later.
This kind of “lovemaking” then becomes like an extended foreplay both know will end in lovemaking some time in the near future.
If you run your intimate life in this way, lovemaking takes on a rather different level of importance. It is now no longer the be-all and end-all of the intimacies you share. This means that you will cope better with the ups and downs of your sexual appetites and, mutually attuned, detect sexual interest early and know how to act on it. Then, when you do have intercourse it is much more meaningful because it takes place against a background of loving interest in one another.
Not only are inequalities and variations in sexual appetite better coped with, but the occasional failure, rather than becoming a disaster, is kept in perspective because it is understood that the relationship has far more going for it than whether or not genital contact is always good.
Lovers in longstanding relationships sometimes find that they can communicate without words; they seem to know what the other is thinking and feeling. Shared secrets help to make this a secret society. The woman may whisper to her man while they are on the dance floor, that she’s wearing his favourite underwear, for example. “Accidentally” touching your lover’s body in a certain place or in a particular way can have a devastating effect. Some couples can achieve the same impact with just a look.
Many couples have a private language that they use even in front of others, as they tell one another about their feelings, arousal, or their anticipation of erotic things to come, which all add to their excitement.
All of this makes such a couple much less likely to suffer from jealousies because they flirt with each other and look to one another to answer their needs. They do not then see members of the opposite sex as threatening because they know that what they have between them is vastly more valuable than anything a quickie relationship could offer.
If all of this seems like nothing more than a fantasy to you, there are ways of improving things: Start off by going back to courtship behaviour; many couples have never really courted – taking every opportunity to show love in different ways. Give one another presents for no reason. They don’t have to be expensive; it’s the thought that matters; kiss more; telephone to say, “I love you.” Leave love-notes around where they’ll be found by your lover; go out with one another as if it were your first date as teenagers. Really try to please one another as if you were just starting to date.
You may be surprised how much you’ve taken each other for granted over the years and how stale the caring and love for one another has become.
It is helpful in any loving relationship to remember the airline motto “we never forget you have a choice”. There are many couples that let things slip, perhaps year after year, becoming more and more lazy and thoughtless only to find when they go back to courtship they’ve all but forgotten how to deal with one another in this way. As with so many things in life practice makes perfect and over the weeks you will become more proficient at courting one another.
With luck and effort, the combination of making courtship a priority, and your increased experiences of life, will reap you a far richer harvest than would have been possible when you were first going out at the beginning of your relationship.
One of the most fruitful ways of making all this happen is to organise sensual holidays. A sensual holiday can last from an evening to a weekend. The main purpose is to get away from your normal day-to-day routine both in and out of bed and to really court one another.
You can prepare for the holiday beforehand to get best out of it. Ideas include: the uses of herbal aphrodisiacs such as ginseng, yohimbe; breakfast in bed; one sensual massage; lovemaking in an unusual place; a novel type of position for lovemaking you know your lover would like; or an evening devoted to your lover’s every whim. Each couple will have their own ideas as to what suits them, or they’ve always wanted to do.
Send your hints some days before the holiday so your lover has time to prepare (if necessary). This also helps build up anticipation and excitement for the holiday. Remember, none of this needs to be expensive – the whole thing can take place at home with a special dinner or outing just for the two of you.
Whatever you do and wherever you do it, the main thing is to give yourselves over to one another totally and to aim to do things that please and delight.
Talk about it afterwards to see what worked well and what didn’t. It’s best to take it in turns to arrange such holidays so each lover has the opportunity to call the shots and decide what they want.
Sensual massage is a wonderful way of lovemaking without intercourse. This form of loving contact is often underestimated. There are few things a couple can experience together that allow them to be more in touch with themselves, and to communicate at every level, better than a loving and sensual massage. Whether or not this becomes an erotic massage is up to you, but even if one does lead to the other you still don’t have to end up having intercourse – you could stimulate each other or simply cuddle and kiss.
FULL BODY ALERT
Sight, sound, smell and taste are powerful aphrodisiacs – exploit them to the fullest extent possible.
Right from babyhood most of us use fewer of our senses than we should. In learning to please one another without intercourse it can be helpful to look at how each sense could be better used to serve lovemaking. Here are some ideas:
The power of aromas
Use perfume, perfumed soaps, scented oils for massage, incense sticks, flowers, room perfumes, and anything else (not all at once!) that helps enhance your sense of smell.
Remember, if you perfume yourself too heavily you’ll mask the natural odours that can be a turn-on for your lover.
Make sure you are clean and washed but not so squeaky clean your natural smells are obliterated. Learn, perhaps for the first time, how each part of your lover’s body smells.
The sound your lover makes can be quite a turn on as you make love. The little groans, sighs and moans that say “I love you” are all valuable clues to how things are going. With the lights off, learn to recognize how your lover’s sexual arousal cycle is progressing just by sound alone. Take delight in the sounds of your bodies reacting with each other. Use beautiful music to accompany lovemaking.
Seeing it all
Take delight in looking at your lover going about their daily tasks. Really notice what it is you love about him or her. Compliment each other’s appearance and show appreciation for things that please you.
Acquiring the taste
Get to know how your lover tastes by licking all over. Taste mouths, faces, sweat, genital secretions and so on. This is intimately tied up with the smelling exercise since taste and smell are so closely interlinked.
Experiment with all kinds of tactile sensations using not only your bodies, but also foods, clothing, vibrators and so on.